


An Endless Winter

by ihaikyuuii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25803841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ihaikyuuii/pseuds/ihaikyuuii
Summary: My love for him was like an endless winter, which made me long for the arrival of Spring.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	An Endless Winter

My love was like an endless winter. I missed him so much, but he was gone. He was not someone I could call mine, not anymore. No matter how much I wanted to embrace him, to melt into his arms and tell him how much I needed him, I couldn’t. Because I knew that if I said a word to him about how alone and desperate I was, he would drop everything and come to me. I couldn’t because I knew that if I did, I would ruin his happiness. 

My love for him was like an endless winter. He was the sun on my icy skin, full of warmth and comfort. And he’s gone. Every memory with him was like a cool breeze on a summer day, bringing nostalgia. Somehow, I found myself falling harder for him though he’s not here anymore. He’s not there. It doesn’t matter how many nights I stayed up thinking about him, how many tears I shed, he won’t come to me. No matter how much I begged, he can’t come back. 

My love for him was like a restless winter. Impatiently waiting for the arrival of spring’s life and summer’s warmth. Waiting for other seasons to arrive so that it could get up and dry his tears. When he left, I was left hanging on an icy cliff, cold wind whipping around my body and chilling me to my bone. Before he was there, he was there to reach out a hand and stop me before I reached the edge. He’s not there anymore, so now I must pull myself up without him. 

I saw how happy he looked, how peaceful he seemed. I noticed how much warmth he radiated; how much he warmed the world around him. He’s free now. I’m getting colder every day. 

“Tsukki!” I miss the way he called my name. 

The way he apologized for everything, I missed it. I miss his good morning messages. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss his presence at my side. I miss when he was mine. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t like you.” Then again, he was never really mine to begin with. 

Why would he kiss me? Why would he say those things? Just to torture me? 

\----------------------

Yamaguchi pressed his lips against Tsukishima’s, pressed their bodies together. Tsukishima stood in shock, unable to react. ‘No, this isn’t right,’ a voice in his head whispered. He pushed Yamaguchi away. His lips tingled from the contact. 

Why? 

“Tadashi, you can’t do this.” 

“Why not Kei? I want to~” Yamguchi slurred. He leaned forward to kiss Tsukki again but was pushed back, a little more forcefully this time. Yamaguchi was drunk, he wasn’t in the right state of mind. Tsukishima wasn’t going to take advantage of him like that. 

\-----------------------

Five years later and I'm still not over him. Five years later and I still think of him every single day. It’s been so long, yet thinking of him never fails to make me smile. 

“Kei, I thought you said you were heading out.” Akiteru said, leaning against the door. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna go visit Tadashi.” 

“Are you sure Kei?” Worry was written across his face. 

“It’s been 2 years since I last saw him, the least I can do is pay him a visit.” I have to force myself to keep my voice even. I’m sure he can tell, but he nods anyway. 

As I stood up from tying my shoes, Akiteru whispered something. His voice was lighter than a feather but his words fell like weights on my chest. 

“You know it wasn’t your fault, right?” 

“Yeah I know.” I shrugged and quickly closed the door behind me. 

I’m sure Akiteru knew I wasn’t going to make it home that night. Well, I’d have to face Tadashi sooner or later. 

My love for him was like a frigid winter, cold and harsh. A cold that bit at my skin and chilled my bones. As the cold wind howled, he only drifted further and further away. Will spring ever come again or am I doomed to eternal cold? Will I ever see spring bring cherry blossoms? Can I even be saved? 

My love for him was like a quiet winter. Solemn, silent, and freezing. My tears freeze in my eyes, tear tracks permanent stains on my cheeks. Who was the one who changed? Him or me? Did time cause me to grow colder or was it his receding warmth that left me alone? Who is to blame for the scar on my heart? 

No season can last forever. Just as summer fades to fall, this numb, freezing winter will warm. My happiness will arrive with the coming of that warmth. So, until this winter passes, and until my happiness arrives, I'll wait. I’ll stay and wait for this dreadful season to pass. I’ll wait for the pain to ease. I’ll wait a little longer. 

\---------------------

“Guys! Yachi and I have something to tell you,” Yamaguchi announced suddenly. He shot a glance at Yachi, who nodded and smiled. Everyone gathered around the two second-years, their interest piqued. 

“Come on, don’t keep us in suspense,” Hinata says eagerly. 

“Well umm… Yachi and I are dating,” Yamaguchi mutters quietly. He takes her small hands in his. 

A chorus of cheers erupted from the team. Everyone was eager to congratulate the new couple. 

Kageyama sent a glance over to Tsukishima, concern evident in his eyes. No matter how much the two didn’t get along, they were still teammates who looked out for each other. 

“Tch, save your sympathy, King,” Tsukishima snapped. 

Yamaguchi noticed Tsukishima keeping himself away from the rest of the team. Nishinoya patted his back as he made his way over to where Tsukishima was standing. 

“Tsukki-” Yamaguchi started. He was cut off by Tsukishima walking away from him. 

The last thing Tsukishima wanted to see was his smile, happier with someone else. 

\----------------------

I regret not congratulating them at the time, but I was only thinking for myself. Now I desperately want to turn back time and change everything. I want to fix all the times I messed up or snapped at him. I want to stop him from leaving. 

Miyagi Cemetery. 

I strode briskly through the rows and rows of headstones. Even now, five years later, thinking of his passing still hurts. Maybe that’s why I stopped visiting after the first three years. It was too much. 

\------------------------

“Tsukki! I got an A+ on the English test, I could help you with corrections if you’d like,” Yamaguchi says brightly. 

“That would be-” 

“Tadashi, can you come and help me with this?” Yachi’s voice rang from the other side of the classroom. Without a second glance, Yamaguchi made his way over to Yachi’s desk. 

Tsukishima noticed it; he noticed the way he looked at her like she was his world. It was the same way Tsukki looked at Yamaguchi, but he didn’t see it. He was too busy looking into Yachi’s eyes. 

\------------------------

“Hey Tadashi, long time no see, huh. I know you missed me.” I let out a dry laugh. How pitiful of me. 

“Sorry for not visiting for so long…” 

I knelt down beside the grave, my eyes skimming over the words etched into the headstone: In the loving memory of Tadashi Yamaguchi, a dear friend, brother, and son. 

Those words were devastating, even now. He shouldn't have died. It should have been me. 

Tsukishima tore his arm out of Yamaguchi’s grip and turned away from him. He put on his headphones and turned the volume of his music as loud as it would go. The loud music blocked out Yamaguchi’s desperate pleading, begging him to stop. 

He trained his eyes on the ground and kept walking, determined to block Yamaguchi out. He started to cross the street without looking up. 

Suddenly someone was in front of him, pushing him back. Tsukishima fell back as his headphones clattered on the ground. Brakes screeched but it was too late. 

Just like that, because of one teenagers selfishness, because of one careless mistake. Yamaguchi Tadashi was gone. 

\-------------------

“How have you been? Is heaven treating you well?” Of course it was, the world didn’t deserve someone as pure as him. 

“You won’t believe what happened to me the other day...” 

I don’t know how long I was there, rambling to no one but myself. Ranting to someone who is long gone. 

My love for him was like a comforting winter. A cold that welcomed me with icy arms. Loving him was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I knew that for as long as I lived, he would always hold a special place in my heart. 

My love for him was like an eternal winter, which made me long for summer, without realizing the beauty of this frosty winter, I selfishly looked forward to other seasons, and somewhere, somehow, I lost the right to appreciate anything, and I was trapped. 

My love for him was like an endless winter, one that seemed to be passing. At last, I was free, free of the cruel yet captivating season. No matter how much I longed for his touch, he was now a snowflake that fell from the heavens on a cool winter night, blown away by chilly wind. I no longer belonged to the memory of him and now, it ends.


End file.
